Bon Iver is shit.
Bon Iver is shit. Boring boring bland bland bland beardy boring shit. Shit that makes you want to go and sit on a tree stump in the woods and grow your hair long and fuzzy so you never have to hear a note of his boring shit again. Bon Iver is shit. You don’t need to be smart to know this, you don’t need to have taste. You don’t need to be a harlequin, you don’t need to be suspicious. Bon Iver is shit. Rock’n’roll is all about the mythology sure, nothing to do with truth or facts, but why would you make up such a commonplace, such a hokey, such a cliched myth? Bon Iver is shit. Whisper into the ether late at night, scream it in crowded train carriages. His guitar-work is formulaic, his voice grating and whiny. The end-result of decades spent promoting whale song as homeopathic remedy. A panacea that fails to even seep into the cracks. Bon Iver is shit. His music is designed to be forgotten midway through listening. His music is elevator cack, department store drivel, bus station ennui. He sings like he’s sitting on a commode, two weeks worth of curry stuck up his arse. He sings like he’s only ever listened to one record – a Coldplay album – and it’s a fucking dire album at that. Bon Iver is shit. Don’t be cowed by the trendy. Don’t be bowed by the bores. Bon Iver is shit. Each time he craps out another vocal it makes me want to punch baby seals on the nose. Up the arse. On the nose. Bon Iver is shit. Slow does not equal emotional does not equate with soul. It just means you’re playing something slow. Bon Iver is shit. As genuine and integrity-driven as Donald Trump, a wash of crapped-out wallpaper nothingness. Cod music for pseud-listeners. Boring boring bland bland bouncy beardy boring shit. Snoring into a microphone. Snoozing through 2017. So pretentious. So portentousness. So shit. Snooty, dull, one-dimensional, cliched, pretentious, student wank shit. Bon Iver is shit. A sad sack of shit.
I eat at KFC, never. I drink down sports bars, under protest. I DO NOT FREQUENT URBAN OUTFITTERS. And Bon Iver is shit.
Buy the book: Grunge, My Part in its Downfall