London Grammar is shit

London Grammar is shit.

Chilly, posh shit. Elevator muzak shit. Some music makes you want to lose control. Some music makes you want to cuddle yourself in secret delight, trembling like you have secret sensitive hands touching you all over. Some music makes you wanna fuck with The Man. Some music makes you want to lose yourself in the groove and dance there for always. London Grammar make Coldplay sound like Monte Cazazza, so bland that you could play an album of their wallpaper-beige music at a convention of Mumford & Sons fans and the only reaction you’d get would be, “yeah (nods) nice vibes man”. Posh indie shit. Posh pseudo-folksy shit that sucks all the laugher and the life and the soul out of music and turns it into Ivanka Trump, except Ivanka Trump is way edgier than this. You so scared of being viewed as reactionary or out-of-time or not with the kids that you’re scared of listening to fundamental truth? LONDON GRAMMAR IS SHIT. Non music. Cod music that takes on the trappings of music (there are instruments, voices, production) but is as tepid as a bowl of tepid bubble-gone greasy washing up water. Music that makes you feel dirty for even going near it. Dead inside. A beardy bland Urban Outfitters comfort zone for people who dig the fact no one is allowed to criticise their shit taste any longer, and a fondness for the tepid smug-assed jokes of Jimmy Carr. London Grammar is a boring money-making concern who sound a little like Lana Del Rey IF YOU HAVE SHIT FOR EARS. Slowness and a tedious beat does not make your music soulful or sad. It just makes it slow and tediously shit. London Grammar is shit. Middle class shit. You don’t need to be clever to realise this, you don’t need to be cute. London Grammar is shit. You don’t need to hear more than 5 seconds of their music to realise this. Shit that makes The XX sound edgy, Ed Sheeran sound fun, and anything vaguely crap not vaguely crap at all but a little bit interesting. An Enya for the given-up and jaded and let’s-stay-home-pretending-we-have-mates-because-we’re-on-Facebook generation. Not so much music as a boring to death of hope. London Grammar is shit. How many times do I need to say this? Quit thinking that whiny is soulful. London Grammar is shit. Do not be scared of the crowd. Has it not occurred to you that the crowd IS wrong? London Grammar is shit. The very idea of listening to their music makes me want to beat their fucking heads against their fucking collection of Enya and XX and Foxygen records until the blood trickles down into their collection of enervated Gwyneth Paltrow recipes. London Grammar is shit. Being a whiny entitled middle class white group does not make you interesting, it just makes you a whiny entitled middle class white group. See also, vacant. See also, billowy. See also, hackneyed. London Grammar sound a little bit like Cocteau Twins IF YOU HAVE SHIT FOR EARS. Fed up with trying? Step right this way. London Grammar are here to sooth all your worries and last vestiges of self-respect and identity away. London Grammar has no style, just a long empty line of vacant breadheads just like them. Empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty empty vacuous empty empty empty empty empty empty empty nothing. London Grammar is shit. They provide an outlet for… nothing.

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring tepid boring boring boring boring boring vacuous boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring tepid boring boring boring boring boring vacuous boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring tepid boring boring boring boring boring vacuous boring boring boring boring shit.

I eat food. I drink water. And London Grammar is shit.

The sound of Theresa May’s Britain.

Buy the book: Grunge, My Part in its Downfall

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4 Responses to London Grammar is shit

  1. […] Related posts: Chris Martin is shit Dave Grohl is shit Billy Corgan is shit Bono is shit Bon Iver is shit Morrissey is shit The XX is shit The Chainsmokers is shit London Grammar is shit […]

  2. […] Related posts: Ed Sheeran is shit Chris Martin is shit Dave Grohl is shit Billy Corgan is shit Bono is shit Bon Iver is shit Morrissey is shit The XX is shit The Chainsmokers is shit London Grammar is shit […]

  3. […] London Grammar is shit. Not sure where this blog is going. Folk have already pointed out the irony of hosting a [ ] is shit series on a blog called Music That I Like. Fact remains that if I publish anything on new music, no one – or very few – is interested. I get traction if the band shares the blog entry, but only minimal usually. Find more evidence here. I am still up for challenging the form of music criticism but I do not like to repeat myself (unless I do) and also I am currently teaching the damn thing (by necessity, reasonably straight) and so this is a bit of a dead end. I love the idea of writing about music that turns me, but little turns me on right now – not the music’s fault, mine. The black dog roars once more. […]

  4. […] London Grammar is shit. Not sure where this blog is going. Folk have already pointed out the irony of hosting a [ ] is shit series on a blog called Music That I Like. Fact remains that if I publish anything on new music, no one – or very few – is interested. I get traction if the band shares the blog entry, but only minimal usually. Find more evidence here. I am still up for challenging the form of music criticism but I do not like to repeat myself (unless I do) and also I am currently teaching the damn thing (by necessity, reasonably straight) and so this is a bit of a dead end. I love the idea of writing about music that turns me, but little turns me on right now – not the music’s fault, mine. The black dog roars once more. […]

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